In the most recent Questions with Getzie, mistake-free Chris Getz was asked who would win in a fight between Royals right fielder Jeff Francoeur and a bear. Obviously(obviously!) Getzie thought it would be a bear. So this has spawned another question: what other animals could Frenchy conquer? Well, I am going to take an educated guess as to how our fairweather free swinger would do against other animals. Buckle up, folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
Francoeur vs. Shark
Right out of the gate, Frenchy has got a challenge on his hand. Now, I’m assuming that the guy, being a multi-sport athlete back in the day, would be a good swimmer. He’ll have to be to tussle with a great white. So that right there should make this a tough contest. Frenchy will have to watch out for the sharks sharp teeth. Jeff isn’t as nimble as he used to be, especially patrolling the outfield, but he did swipe 22 bases just two seasons ago. Now, normally I think the shark would get the better of Frenchy, since this is a massive fish who can tear you apart in a heartbeat. But Francoeur has an equalizer; a broken bat! Jeff would break his bat, probably while missing a pitch, then use the broken part of the bat to stab the shark in his heart. Victory, be Frenchy’s name!! Francoeur 1, Animal 0.
Francoeur vs. a Turkey
Initially, this seems like it would be an easy win for Frenchy. But the turkey can be an elusive animal, and might be more than Jeff is bargaining for. I think Frenchy would have a hard time getting ahold of the turkey, and he would get quite frustrated. But once again, Francoeur has a secret weapon; his legs. You see, at times Frenchy looks like he is going to fall over his own feet while chasing after a ball in right field. Jeff would use those same awkward, gawky, chicken-like legs and trip the turkey up. Then, using lessons he learned while hunting with manager Neddy Yost, Frenchy would hog tie the turkey, wings and all, while keeping his wattle at bay. The turkey’s wattle, not Jeff’s. Once again, our hero comes out on top. Francoeur 2, Animals 0.
Francoeur vs. a Woolly Mammoth
Sure, Woolly Mammoth’s don’t even exist anymore. Or do they…
Anyway, Frenchy would have a hard time with this ancient creature. The mammoth was not a violent creature, and actually ate mostly plants. Their tusks weren’t even used for stabbing as much as hitting. Since Francoeur isn’t very good at hitting, and much better at stabbing, he would be at a disadvantage. It would not be Frenchy’s lucky day in this epic battle. Francoeur 2, Animals 1.
Francoeur vs. an Chimpanzee
Seriously, who would want to fight an animal with that face? Chimpanzee are ornery creatures by nature, which would make them a handful for Frenchy. Chimpanzee’s also have a secret weapon…
Yep, this would be a tough one for Jeff. But Jeff has a secret weapon of his own…
Yep, Francoeur would pull the old ‘I’m a good guy so here’s a pizza on me to distract you from noticing how bad I am playing’ routine. The chimp would be putty in Frenchy’s hand. Francoeur 3, Animals 1.
Francoeur vs. Animal
Um, no contest. No way Frenchy can topple a Muppet. Especially one who is certifiable. Francoeur 3, Animals 2.
From the final tally, it looks like our character right fielder would topple the majority of animals that would be sent his way. Maybe Dayton and Neddy are right about this guy. Maybe he is better than we all give him credit for. All he needs to do to bounce back is find his inner animal. Truer words have never been spoken.