No Baseball Makes Me Crazy!

kc1

This happens every year. Some time in January, I start to get “baseball antsy”. What that means(since I just coined the term) is I get to a point where not even Hot Stove talk keeps me satisfied. I get to a point where the only thing that can keep me from going completely out of my mind(or crazy insane, got no brain) is for Spring Training to get here…or for me to create baseball stories to keep me occupied. Now, I’m not saying this is healthy. In fact, I can feel them sizing me up for a straightjacket. But it keeps me even keeled and able to function like a normal human being, not as a baseball junkie who is frothing at the mouth and needs his fix. Hey, just because I daydream of Tim Kurkjian being my best friend doesn’t mean I have a problem!

kc2

Okay, I have a problem. Anyway, here is my delusional baseball dreams that have kept my mind occupied the last couple of weeks. I promise none have Tim Kurkjian playing doctor. That even disturbs me.

kc3

Puig is My Surfing Buddy

Yasiel Puig is misunderstood. Sure, he seems cocky and one of the few people in the world to pull off pink jorts. The jorts make me think that he is probably a great surfer. I’ve never surfed, but I have a feeling Puig can do everything at least fairly good(once again, pink jorts). I picture him teaching me the way of the ocean, where I learn to listen to her and connect with my inner chi. Not only would I learn how to surf, but we would have long discussions about the true meaning of life and why Jack Johnson is just misunderstood as a musician. I would probably ruin it by saying that Bo Jackson was a better athlete than him, but before that we would start a Beach Boys cover band with less Brian Wilson substance(you can take that either way; they both fit in this scenario). All in all, it would be a great five days on the beach. I’m going to go practice saying ‘Puig’ like Vin Scully now…

Alex Rodriguez

A-Rod Was Framed 

Most of us are pretty sure that Alex Rodriguez wasn’t framed and that he probably had this coming at some point, karma and all. But what if this was all an elaborate setup like we see on the fifty gajillion crime shows on television? Here we go: baseball Commissioner Allan Huber Selig is fed up with Rodriguez’s great play and his ability to serenade a mirror. The last straw is Rodriguez stealing Selig’s supermodel wife away from him because she isn’t fond of Wisconsin as a whole. Selig plots to get A-Rod banned from the game that he loves. He starts by getting the media to believe that Rodriguez is fake and the least genuine person you have ever met. After that seed is placed, he uses water torture to get A-Rod to admit to steroid use during his time with the Texas Rangers. When that doesn’t get him to retire, Selig hatches his grand finale. He hires a comedic actor to play Tony Bosch. I’m picturing someone with range like Dom DeLuise. At first no one believes this Bosch character, but then Selig schedules a 60 Minutes interview for Bosch and himself the day after having Rodriguez suspended for the 2014 season. In the interview, “Bosch” pulls off a great performance and have people actually believing that A-Rod was a big time substance abuser.  Selig  makes an appearance as well and makes it sound like Rodriguez is the worst person he has ever meet, just because the supermodel doesn’t find six different kinds of cheese fascinating. Selig even pays off A-Rod’s lawyer to be even shadier than he usually is, so now everyone thinks Alex is worse than Hitler. Of course this means a sleuth detective needs to get on the case and try to clear A-Rod’s good name. What is Monk up to these days?

kc5

Baseball Celebrates First Cyborg Player

It was easy to wonder why Chris Davis had such a breakout season in 2013. For years Davis was a mild mannered, free-swinging giant of a man that could crush the ball whenever he wasn’t helping out the breeze around the ballpark. What looked to be hard work and better plate discipline turns out to be that the ‘Real’ Chris Davis died a few years ago and Cyborg Davis took his place. Half-man, half-machine, Davis is now a power hitting threat with no real emotion at the plate. Machines aren’t perfect, which explains the 199 strikeouts, and he sometimes needs oiled when out on defense. Since baseball rules say nothing about Cyborg’s being against the rules, Davis will be allowed to play again in 2014 with opposing pitchers now knowing his weakness against the knuckle-ball and bad accents. He’s also playing for the perfect manager, Buck Showalter, who is also part robot. Expect the Orioles expenses to go up this year, as they have to add WD-40 to their team rider.  Time will only tell is Davis ends up taking his real name, F630Z.

kc6

Wilson Gets Off-Season Job 

Years and years ago, most baseball players had to get a job in the off-season. Back then players didn’t get paid as much so they needed some extra scratch to get them through the entire year. Lou Brock operated a flower shop. Paul Splittorff used to work in a dairy. Davey Lopes was a teacher. Nowadays this doesn’t happen as much, but it didn’t stop Brian Wilson from working kid’s birthday parties as a clown. It really isn’t hard to picture Wilson putting on a rubber red nose and the big floppy shoes. Actually, he’s been close before-

kc7

Granted, that’s a bit more “selling men’s aftershave” than “clown for kid’s birthday party”, but you can tell he loves dressing up. I’m sure the kids would love the crazy baseball player who can tell them not only about pitching in the World Series but taking Big Foot to an awards show as well-

kc8

Kids will love him, dammit! If anything, this gives Brian something to fall back on once his arm finally falls off and the beard just doesn’t amuse us anymore. Now, he needs to see just how many people he can get into his car at once…

kc9

Hunting With Neddy 

It really wouldn’t be a successful off-season unless you get to go hunting with Royals manager Ned Yost. Neddaniel normally goes with pal Jeff Foxworthy, but I tend to think I would run him off. I can only imagine that Yost is a better hunter than baseball manager, so I could learn a thing or two while out in the rough with Yosty. For one, he only has focus on one main thing instead of a bunch of small things. You also wouldn’t need to bunt while in the wilderness. I also wouldn’t have to talk baseball with him, which will save me from losing my mind. Just focus on the hunting and we can be simpatico. Even better, Neddy wouldn’t have to deal with the media.  Nope, the only issue would be him naming the deer as they frolic by. I will have a hard time keeping my trap shut when he refers to a deer as ‘Wil Myers’. On the plus side of that, I would look forward to shooting the deer named ‘Frenchy’. Good to see Yost spends his off-season not thinking about baseball. It’s not like there is any pressure on this upcoming season or anything. On second thought, the best part of this trip might be if I just pull a ‘Dick Cheney’. It wouldn’t be the first time Dale Sveum was asked to step in for ‘The Man They Call Yost’.

Streaker  Photo by Rick Giase

Okay baseball, time to come back. I’m already having dreams of doing bad things to Ned Yost. That’s a sign that I need a distraction. How about you come back here in a few weeks and we can discuss how everyone is in ‘The best shape of his life’. Or how Carl Pavano will get hurt this year. Or how Luke Hochevar is ‘just about to turn the corner’. Baseball, you are my sanity…

Advertisements

Questions with Neddy

kc1

The Kansas City Royals are over .500 and are just 4.5 games out of a wild card spot, so I felt it was time to check in with Royals skipper(and Foxworthy enthusiast) Ned Yost and let the fans ask him some questions about our boys in blue. Now, normally this spot is reserved for Royals sometime second baseman(and bunting expert) Chris Getz. Getz, though, is in Omaha on rehab assignment, so Yost will be taking the reigns today(or at least how I think he would answer). So here we go–Questions with Neddy!

kc1

Ned, I know Salvador Perez is a stud, and should be in the lineup the majority of the time. But it seems like even when you give him a day off, he ends up in the game before it is all said and done. In fact, he got a concussion in just such a way. Do you think there is a chance you are overworking him, and maybe you should REALLY give him a full day off?-Craig, Lee’s Summit, MO

Well Craig, I’ve been around this game a long time, and I’ve never seen a catcher like Salvy. He is really special. But as a former catcher, and one who rarely got into games, I would think a catcher would want to be in the middle of the action as much as possible. Having Salvy behind the dish makes our team better and puts us in a better position to win. So, to answer your question, I’ve never overworked a catcher and I will really give him a day off. Except if we really need him in the game. Or have a lead. Or our pitchers ask nicely. Or if Kottaras walks too much. But yeah, I’ll totally give him a complete day off if needed.

kc2

Early in the season, Greg Holland struggled. Ned, you stuck with him and now he is one of the best closers in baseball. Did you know that he would be this dominate this year?-Danny, Platte City, KS

Every closer goes through their ups and downs. It’s not like closers grow on trees that you can just pluck them from. Holly struggled early on in the year, but I always had faith in him and knew he could come around and be as good as he has been. It’s as much about confidence as going out there and throwing strikes or throwing it to where the hitter doesn’t hit the ball. Holly never really gave me a reason to doubt him. So, no, I didn’t know he would be this dominate.  

kc3

Yosty, love the job you are doing with this club. How soon could we see Getzie back on the team and how hard was it to send him down earlier in the year? He sure is dreamy…-Lee, Kansas City, MO

It was so hard to send Getzie down, Lee, because the clubhouse loves him so much and he is just such a great player. He wasn’t really struggling too much, but he had options so we used one. It had nothing to do with performance. We hope to see him back here soon, as we really need that extra punch in the lineup. Miggy is doing a fine job at second, way better than Gio was doing during that long stretch of ten games he played in. But having Getzie in the lineup gives me another weapon and gives me the opportunity to really show everyone how a real bunter can bunt.

kc4

Neddy, what is your sick fascination with bunting, and do you realize it is not 1982 anymore?-Sean, Emporia, KS

Well, bunting is not only a real weapon, but also an art. When one of our guys lays down a good bunt, I get goosebumps and get a warm feeling in my pants. There isn’t a more exciting play in the game than a solid, hard bunt to move a runner over. As to your other question, I realize it’s not 1982, but the game never changes. Playing for one run is always a wise strategy. Especially when you have guys like Getzie, Esky, and Dysey at the plate. It’s not like 1982 was really that long ago.

kc5

So, good thing you could never find one of those ‘Third Baseman Trees’ that you spoke of. Moose is really starting to come around…-Clint, Leavenworth, KS

I always had faith in Moose and what he could do. He just needed half a season and a Hall of Famer to give him a kick in the pants. You know, these things don’t just happen overnight. These youngsters need time to grow, time to get comfortable and time to find out what works for them. Maybe if our fanbase would have more patience they would understand that. I mean, have they ever shown any patience in this franchise? I mean, it’s not like there’s been mostly bad baseball in Kansas City for close to twenty years, has there?

New York Yankees v Kansas City Royals

Neddy, what do you think of the ballclub that General Manager Dayton Moore has put together?-David, Grandview, MO

Moorey has really put together a great bunch of guys. He’s given me guys like Getzie, Esky, Salvy, Holly, Hos, Moose, and lots of other guys with great nicknames. Hell, I really hoped Frenchy could have stuck around, but it made sense that the Giants needed him more than we did. I really miss him walking around the locker room in his jock strap. Dayton has just put together the best bunch in the world that perform at a higher level despite my shortcomings. Plus, he always has cool sunglasses.

MLB: Baltimore Orioles at Kansas City Royals

Ned, do you see the similarities between Luke Hochevar last year and Wade Davis this year? and how much longer does Wade have a rotation spot? Thanks-Michael, Olathe, KS

Both of those guys have great stuff and I really feel like in a perfect world we could put Hoch back in the rotation again. Wade seems just like Hoch, he seems like he is almost there and he’s just about to really turn the corner and become a top starter. I don’t see any reason to take Wadey out of the rotation. He has had some good starts, that is for sure. I really think he could be a top starter. Really, he was a steal in that Myers trade. In reality, we probably could have traded Myers straight up for Wadey. That’s what I would have done.

kc8

Golly gee, Neddy, I really miss you guys…-Chris, Southfield, MI

We miss you too, Getzie. Don’t worry, I’ve made sure to postpone bunting drills until you get back. It’s just not the same without our expert bunter. Get healthy and we’ll get you back here in no time!

kc9

Ned, love the job you are doing. I have a co-worker that hates you and wishes you were fired. I think you are the best manager ever until the Royals hire a new one. Any chance of bestowing your great wisdom on all of us?-Steve, Emporia, KS

I’ve always said the next time I am wrong will be a first, but I can’t really share my secrets. I can tell you bunting is a big part of it. Hey, aren’t you the guy stalking Getzie? I’ve heard about you. Maybe you should leave us alone and let real baseball people break down the game. Don’t make me add my name to Getzie’s court order against you!

So there you are. Big thanks to Royals manager Ned Yost for taking the time to answer all these questions. Hopefully the next time Getzie can be back and answer all of your wonderful questions. Until next time, keep on winning, Royals!        

 

FLASHBACK: Fake Royals Predictions 2012

Author’s Note: The Flashback articles on here I originally wrote for the website royalsbaseball.net. That website has now become defunct, so I thought I would move them over here to Bleeding Royal Blue. I’d like to thank Joel Matheny for giving me the opportunity to write for his website, even if it was for just a few months. So enjoy, and go Royals!

hosWith the 2012 Kansas City Royals season less than a week away, I normally take this time to put forth my predictions for the upcoming season. The thing is, I kind of have with a lot of my articles as of late. So, I thought it would be fun today to take a look at ‘Fake Predictions’ for this Royals ball club. These are all just jokes, and it’s supposed to be a fun way of looking forward to opening day. So enjoy, and please, try not to take this too seriously!

foxworthy_yostNed Yost will decide mid-season to shake things up and make Jeff Foxworthy his new bench coach. When that doesn’t work, he will go on sabbatical…which is code for ‘spending his time fishing and hunting.’
Chris Getz’s new stance will pay dividends, as 3/4 of his hits this season will be extra base hits.

ellie_rodriguez With Salvador Perez out with an injury, the team looks into cloning him. Unfortunately, the team sends in the wrong DNA, and instead the Royals get a clone of former Catcher Ellie Rodriguez.

hiram After a few pitching injuries early in the season, GM Dayton Moore finds Kyle Davies in the backwoods of Georgia, and signs him to a minor league contract. He now wants to be known by his given name, Hiram.
With Royals infielder Yuniesky Betancourt having trouble with his range, the team buys him a segue-way to make it easier for him to get to grounders balls to the left and right of him.

mooseAfter a slow start, Mike Moustakas will go on a tear. Even more interesting, Moustakas will end up stealing 30 bases, as he finds cutting his hair gives him extra speed.
Bruce Chen continues to frustrate White Sox managers, as the team’s new skipper Robin Ventura goes on a expletive laden tirade that would make Ozzie Guillen proud.

gio Johnny Giavotella will return to the ball club during the season, but when he shows up to the ballpark, he is told he isn’t ‘tall enough for the rides’.

teafordRoyals fans beg for the flames normally used for Joakim Soria’s entrance. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have the same affect when Everett Teaford enters the game.
Eric Hosmer has a superb season, enough so that he ends up as a spokesman for Loreal hair products.
Alcides  Escobar is praised for his defense, but even more so when he makes a play near the third base line, throwing out the runner – Who happens to be Bengie Molina.

rex-french7Rex Hudler will make most of the Royals fanbase mute their Tv’s and force them to listen to the radio while watching a Royals game.
Royals Owner David Glass will show up for two dozens game this season, instead of his usual dozen.

sluggerWhen Sluggger is forced to throw hot dogs instead of shooting them, the team finds out that he has a really good arm. Sluggger is then signed to a contract and sent to AAA Omaha.
Tim Collins develops a growth spurt and ends the year 5′ 10”.
Billy Butler gets off to a bad start. With the extra pressure on him, Billy Loses 20 lbs in a month.
Luis Mendoza continues his excellent pitching, winning close to 20 games and turning out to be the ace of the staff.
Royals fans everywhere are glad Kevin Kouzmanoff doesn’t make the team, as many were afraid they would have to either pronounce his last name or spell it. Instead they are stuck trying to figure out how to pronounce ‘Bourgeois’.
Mid-season, the team wants some new blood, so they go out before the deadline and acquire Miguel Olivo and Willie Bloomquist, saying they are ‘just want this team was missing’.
Hitting Coach Kevin Seitzer proves he is a man of magic, turning Yuniesky Betancourt and Humberto Quintero into walking machines, as the two are near the top of the league in walks.

penaBrayan Pena will be cut once Sal Perez comes back. Because he loves the team so much, he will stay and take over Sluggger’s job.
Jose Mijares will realize a game moves faster when he doesn’t step off it after every pitch, and becomes what baseball experts call a ‘fast worker’.

jonathan-broxton-royals-pantsJonathan Broxton will arrange a contest to see if he can get 3 of his teammates to wear his pants all at once.
Mitch Maier starts more than once a month this season.

play_francouer_sy_576Jeff Francoeur will prove how fan friendly he is, as he will spend half an inning hanging in the ‘French Quarter’.
Sean O’Sullivan will pitch so good that I will quit calling him by the nickname I gave him.
A fan won’t wear a $200 All-Star game jersey to a game and still not know the basics of baseball.
The first place Royals fans will flock to read incite on the team will be in the comments section of Facebook.

relishand finally, I will root for relish this year for the first team in the classic Mustard, Ketchup and Relish race.

Enjoy the 2012 Royals season everyone! Now let’s talk some baseball!

Questions with Getzie-Premiere Edition

getzie

Welcome to a new regular feature here on Bleeding Royal Blue, “Questions with Getzie”. What this will be is Kansas City Royals mild mannered second baseman Chris “Getzie” Getz. Chris will answer questions from you, the fan, and get better insight into the mind of this infamous slugger. Or at least this is how I think it would go. So without further ado, here is the premiere edition of “Questions with Getzie”.

Chris+Getz+Kansas+City+Royals+v+Baltimore+9LRKkWFiV6WlChris, do you ever worry that if you are going back on a fly ball in right field that you will run into Frenchy?-Robert, Topeka, KS

Well, Robert, I’ll admit that it does pop in my mind a time or two. I mean, who wants to run into an Adonis of a man like Jeff. But at the end of the day I know that there is no way Frenchy is near the ball by then. I hope it never happens. If there is anyone we can’t afford to lose, it’s him. Neddy even told me so.

getz and gio

Getzie, what do you feel are your chances of winning the second base job this year?-Bob, Overland Park, KS.

Golly gee, that is a great question. I’m looking forward to going out there and competing with Johnny, and may the best man win. But Neddy has told me not to worry about it. Then he smiled and winked at me. So it should be fun!

yuniChris, who has taught you the most from working with them in the middle infield?-Sam, Lee’s Summit, MO

Wow, so many great guys that I’ve had to chance to work with. Obviously, Alcides is amazing at shortstop and is a special athlete. Hos has shown me how to look cool out on the field. I try, but who’s as cool as that guy?!  Yuni last year taught me a lot. He really pushed me as an athlete, as he always used to tell me that if the ball was hit to either of us, I needed to get it. He was very adamant that was my responsibility, and since he is a veteran, I trust him. I ended up working twice as hard when out on the field with Yuni, and I think it’s made me a better player. So, thank you Yuni!

Chris+Getz+neddy What can I do…I mean, what can a player do to get on the good side of manager Ned Yost?-Johnny, Metairie, LA

Shucks, Johnny, that is an easy answer. Neddy is such a great guy and he really loves his ballplayers. The simple answer is to bunt. Neddy loves bunting! Also, every player should try to go hunting some winter with him and Jeff Foxworthy. Foxy and Neddy are swell to hunt with, and there’s a good chance too that Frenchy will be with them! If all else fails, Neddy likes gritty ballplayers. I just seem to have gotten lucky as he tells me all the time how much GRIT I have. So Johnny, the best answer is just to go out there and be yourself. Great question!

buntingChris, are you worried about bunting this year, as an attempted bunt finished your season in 2012?-Mike, Blue Springs, MO

Golly, Mike, I hadn’t really thought of it. Bunting is really my whole being. I’m sorta kinda nothing without bunting. I’m just going to have to go out there, look fear in the face, and bunt like I’ve never bunted before. I don’t want to imagine a world where I can’t bunt.

Getzie, big fan here. I’m looking forward to you making a comeback in 2013. I have co-worker’s who think you are a backup and prefer Johnny Giavotella over you. Crazy, aren’t they?-Steve, Emporia, KS

Steve, thanks for being a fan. But it seems like you should listen to your co-worker’s. They sound like they are knowledgeable baseball fans that don’t just copy the opinions of the writers for the Kansas City Star. You would be best served to be quiet every once and awhile and listen to what they actually say. Your opinion isn’t the only one out there.

Matt+Treanor+Chris+Getz+Tampa+Bay+Rays+v+Kansas+RHyDcDzvuvRlWell, golly gee, that’s looks like it’s all for now everyone. Hope you enjoyed “Questions with Getzie” and I can’t wait to answer more questions soon! Let’s go bunting!

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑